I wish I could teleport
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
