you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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