Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
