So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i believe in u and ur pee
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
