Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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