kristin has been a bad kristin
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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