Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize