whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
