Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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