I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
