and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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