We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
