I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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