I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
