Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
