So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone signed my nipple.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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