how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
