you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
