I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
