Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
