My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My feet surprised me
Randomize
