bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize