she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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