His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
