i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
