According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
