what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
