3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize