I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
