I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
