i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
