i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
