We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Your penis caused this!
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