Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
