I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
