how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
