my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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