It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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