i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
