I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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