You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
