I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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