i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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