Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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