He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
