she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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