He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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