I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
