I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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