i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
