Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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