Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
