So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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